Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Sharing my learnings from the book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Healthy boundaries. We all know we should have them–in order to achieve work/life balance, cope with toxic people, and enjoy rewarding relationships with partners, friends, and family. But what do “healthy boundaries” really mean–and how can we successfully express our needs, say “no,” and be assertive without offending others?

Licensed counselor, sought-after relationship expert, and one of the most influential therapists on Instagram Nedra Glover Tawwab demystifies this complex topic for today’s world. In a relatable and inclusive tone, Set Boundaries, Find Peacepresents simple-yet-powerful ways to establish healthy boundaries in all aspects of life. Rooted in the latest research and best practices used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), these techniques help us identify and express our needs clearly and without apology–and unravel a root problem behind codependency, power struggles, anxiety, depression, burnout, and more.

• boundaries needn’t always put a wedge between people. In our personal lives, boundaries actually enable us to get closer to one another by helping us feel safe to open up and make ourselves vulnerable.
• Boundaries are about standing up for yourself. Having healthy boundaries means being able to count on the people in your life to treat you in a manner that you’re comfortable with.
  • physical boundaries of our bodies and personal space.
  • sexual boundaries, which are about limiting inappropriate conversation topics, sexually charged jokes, and other behavior that we’re not willing to put up with.
  • intellectual and emotional boundaries, which are about having our opinions and feelings respected by others even if they disagree with us.
  • material boundaries, which relate to how others use our possessions.
  • time boundaries which are about ensuring that others understand the value of our time. 
• If we allow others to continually step on our boundaries, the quality of our relationships will inevitably decline.
• your boundaries should aim for that perfect balance between being receptive to positive influences and blocking negative ones.
  • If your boundaries are too porous, for instance, you’ll be vulnerable to absorbing other people’s needs and emotions as your own. However, if you err too far in the opposite direction, and your boundaries are too rigid, you’re in danger of ending up emotionally isolated and alone.
  • People who suffer from porous boundaries need to work on reclaiming their autonomy. The first step is to establish some physical and emotional distance. It’s important to withdraw some of your support and focus on good self-care practices.
  • people who have rigid boundaries generally find it difficult to get close to people. The solution for rigid boundaries is to practice cultivating close relationships. That means practicing expressing how you feel to others, asking for help when you need it, and allowing yourself to love.
• It’s good practice to communicate your needs directly. The two steps to communicating a boundary directly are to assert it verbally and then back it up with action.
  • Assertive boundary statements usually take the form of I want, I need, or I expect.
  • Try to avoid apologizing or explaining too much when you set boundaries. You don’t want to give the impression that your boundaries are negotiable.
  • You have to back up what you say with consistent action or else your boundaries won’t be taken seriously. 
  • consistent action means respecting other people’s boundaries as well.
• Some people may resist your boundary by questioning it or testing your limits. These responses are typically a sign that you need to reevaluate your relationship. That might mean simply reiterating your boundaries, but it might also be an indication that the relationship simply isn’t working.
  • Before taking any drastic measures, though, give someone the benefit of the doubt by restating your boundaries.
  • if someone continues to infringe on your boundaries, you’ll have to enforce your boundary by issuing a consequence.
  • In some cases, you may decide it’s better just to distance yourself from a relationship or end it entirely.
• while we think of boundaries as being mainly about how other people behave to us, this is only one side of the equation. Boundaries are also essential in how we treat ourselves. If you want to help others, a portion of your energy must go toward good self-care.
  • good self-boundaries prevent you from engaging in practices that don’t serve you.
  • self-boundaries aren’t just about saying no. They’re also about saying yes to yourself by treating yourself with respect and adopting healthy self-care practices.
  • The essence of true self-care is authenticity. It’s about being in tune with your own needs and respecting yourself enough to fulfill them.
  • think about self-boundaries as helping you positively to feel good, live according to your values, and enjoy healthy relationships with others.
• we must set boundaries with our parents because that’s the only way we’ll ever grow up. It’s only by virtue of the fact that we set boundaries with our parents during our development that we gradually learned to become autonomously acting individuals.
  • implementing boundaries with family members is to create distance. Physically, that means reducing how often you see them or speak to them on the phone. Emotionally, creating distance involves preserving your privacy by withholding intimate details of your personal life.
  • practice asserting your will. The main way to do that is to start solving your own problems and making your own decisions. But there are also other, smaller ways you can win a bit of self-autonomy. For example, by expressing your opinions freely in front of them, even when it contradicts their views.
  • It’s important to remember that this advice also applies the other way around. If you’re a parent, it’s easy to forget that your children have boundaries too, and it’s important to respect them, at least within reason. When you acknowledge a child’s boundary, you’re effectively saying to her, yes, you have the power to determine your own life, and yes, your needs and preferences matter. 
• when you’re overworked and exhausted, the quality of your work deteriorates along with the quality of your life. Setting boundaries at work will help you maintain a healthy work-life balance. That means, improving your own well-being while at the same time improving your engagement and efficiency in the office.
  • get over this idea that being a good employee means saying yes to every request. There’s nothing good about overloading yourself so much that you do everything half-heartedly. Remember, when you say no to extra responsibilities, you’re saying yes to doing a good job on the work you already have.
  • do what it takes to get your work done within working hours, so no one can guilt you into working longer. One way to achieve this is to practice delegating tasks when you have too much on your plate. Another strategy you can try is informing your co-workers that you’d prefer to save the chit-chat for your lunch break.
  • setting boundaries with your boss can be nerve-wracking. But, it’s far better to communicate your limits to your boss, than to suffer in silence. 
• Setting romantic boundaries means clearly communicating your needs and your expectations for the future.
  • By being honest and upfront about how you expect to be treated and what you want to get out of the relationship, you’ll both be spared a great deal of heartache and wasted time in the long run.