Connect

Sharing my learnings from the book, Connect by David Bradford and Carole Robin

Connect by David Bradford and Carole Robin

David Bradford and Carole Robin taught interpersonal skills to MBA candidates for a combined seventy-five years in their legendary Stanford Graduate School of Business course Interpersonal Dynamics (affectionately known to generations of students as “Touchy-Feely”) and have coached and consulted hundreds of executives for decades. In Connect, they show readers how to take their relationships from shallow to exceptional by cultivating authenticity, vulnerability, and honesty, while being willing to ask for and offer help, share a commitment to growth, and deal productively with conflict.

Filled with relatable scenarios and research-backed insights, Connect is an important resource for anyone hoping to improve existing relationships and build new ones at any stage of life.

• This book explore the hallmarks of exceptional relationships, which are taught in the popular Stanford MBA course Interpersonal Dynamics. They show how to cultivate core behavioral competencies, master your emotions, and productively engage in conflict. By committing to learning about yourself and others, you can move beyond superficiality to develop truly meaningful connections.
• You won’t, don’t need to, and can’t develop an exceptional relationship with everybody; these deepest, most authentic connections demand time and effort. That’s not to discount less-intense relationships, which provide other things we need and crave – things like intellectual stimulation, social interaction, and fun.
• exceptional relationships aren’t an end state. Just like living, breathing organisms, they constantly change and develop – and, as such, they need a lot of TLC.
• The key in building and keeping up your relationships lies in learning how to learn – or adopting a growth mindset. This involves honing several behavioral characteristics.
  • letting go of the idea that you know best
  • be willing to try new things and risk making mistakes.
  • embrace mistakes as learning opportunities rather than a reason to be embarrassed or give up. 
• It takes two to tango, and if the other person isn’t ready – or doesn’t want – to meet you on your level, the relationship won’t progress.
• Being authentic doesn’t mean you have to reveal everything about yourself to everyone. It means sharing, genuinely and wholly, the parts that are important to a specific relationship. Authentic self-disclosure results in the first hallmark of an exceptional relationship, which is that both people can fully be themselves. 
• the “15 Percent Rule”
  • Zone of Comfort – these are things you feel totally safe doing or saying.
  • Zone of Learning, which is where you’re unsure of how the other person will respond
  • Zone of Danger; this consists of things you wouldn’t ever utter or do, given their likely negative repercussions.
  • To avoid landing in the danger zone, test the waters by expanding your comfort zone into the learning zone in increments of just 15 percent. With each success, wade in another 15 percent.
• When sharing, both facts and feelings are important, since they reveal different pieces of information about you. Cognition denotes what is, while emotions tell how important it is. And when expressing feelings, be aware of the language you use.
• The second hallmark of an exceptional relationship is that both of you are willing to be vulnerable. Now, there’s nuance in the concept of vulnerability. Simply revealing personal things about yourself isn’t really vulnerable if you know how others will react – there’s no risk involved. Sharing when you’re unsure about the reaction to your disclosure, however, brings others closer. 
• The third hallmark of an exceptional relationship is trusting that self-disclosures won’t be used against you.
• While vulnerability invites closeness, silence does the opposite. The less we reveal, the more others will draw conclusions in order to make sense of what they see. By being reticent with self-disclosure, we actually lose control of how others perceive us. The cost of all this is isolation – in terms of both our relationships and our sense of self.
• No one wants to feel like a specimen under a microscope. To sidestep this potential pitfall, you need to meet people where they are. But how? Well, by disclosing first, you’re more likely to build trust, gain acceptance, and receive reciprocated vulnerability in return. 
• Steer clear of sympathy and advice, which are rarely useful; it’s not often that people want to be pitied or told what to do. Instead, behaviors like listening actively, suspending judgment, using open-ended questions, listening for emotions, expressing empathy, and showing acceptance will encourage others’ full expression.
• While personality is very difficult to alter, no one’s born with genes for being rude or self-involved, which are behaviors. When you jump to the conclusion that a certain set of behaviors defines a person, you’re doing him an injustice. Instead, try discerning the elements that perpetuate his behavior patterns.
• Your willingness to change is composed of:
  • dissatisfaction with your current behavior;
  • vision, which means you see the benefit in changing your ways; and
  • first steps, which indicates your belief that you can adopt new skills.
• You can minimize defensiveness by giving behaviorally specific feedback. This means you only comment on the other’s observable behavior and present your reactions to it – don’t fall into the trap of thinking you know the other person’s motives and intentions. acknowledge the value in the other person’s struggle. Feedback starts conversations; it doesn’t end them.
• Own your emotions or they will own you.
  • Ignoring our emotions isn’t healthy— and when we try to mask our feelings, we tend to leak them anyway.
  • not dealing with grievances can lead to escalation.
• The only sure path to resolution is to understand our own needs, and to say them out loud. The ability to be honest with each other is, in fact, the fourth hallmark of an exceptional relationship.
• Our emotions signal what’s important to us. And the more emotions we feel, the more likely it is that there’s something deeper going on.
  • we first need to cultivate self-awareness. Here, somatic responses like a change in heartbeat, fluttering in our stomachs, tightness in our throats, or damp palms can offer important clues. 
  • pause in the midst of a conflict – instead of resorting to logic, try asking yourself, What am I, or they, really feeling?
  • in any given situation, we have many choices for how to respond.
• Having belief in our ability to act in the world is what social scientists refer to as “having agency.” It’s never that we can’t do or say something; it’s that we choose not to. Sometimes, saying nothing is the best course of action – but that, of course, is also a choice. 
• The Japanese word kintsugi, or “golden repair,” refers to the art of mending broken pottery. The same holds true for relationships that have experienced “breaks.” By picking up the pieces and repairing them with care, your resulting relationships will be stronger than ever. 
• Tricky issues can be raised and resolved with four problem-solving stages that incorporate the behavioral feedback model. Dealing with conflict productively is the fifth hallmark of an exceptional relationship
  • get the other person to take the issue seriously. This could mean telling your partner how her behavior is affecting you, or mentioning that her actions aren’t in line with previously discussed goals. You could also ask whether you’re doing anything to affect her behavior; acknowledging your role can help others take responsibility for theirs.
  • get her to share fully what’s going on with her. You can never assume you know exactly what the other person is thinking
  • arriving at a mutually satisfying solution. Resist the temptation to settle for the minimum just to end a difficult conversation
  • determine what repair work needs to be done.
• New behavioral pathways will result from practice and persistence, so keep trying – and honor your process. In the end, “the only mistake is not learning from your mistakes.”
• fear is the enemy of growth. Just consider conflict – something people often avoid not only because it’s uncomfortable, but because they fear the arguments and accusations will result in irreparable damage. But turning our backs on conflict only increases the chances of the thing we fear most: permanent deadlock. 
• the sixth and final hallmark of an exceptional relationship: you are both committed to each other’s growth and development.
  • Being committed doesn’t always mean being nice in the traditional sense. Challenging someone can be a compelling sign of support. Showing tough love is difficult when we feel it’ll put the relationship in jeopardy, but not being tough can be harmful.
  • It’s important to show that you understand how the other person is feeling – not to say they’re right if you don’t think that’s the case.
  • view being called out on a behavior as a chance to learn, not a reason to put up your guard. By showing you the impact of your behavior, the other person is committing to your relationship and helping you grow.
  • Just as fear can limit you, you’ll find that the risks you take throughout the process of building and maintaining an exceptional relationship can free you.