The School of Life

Sharing my learnings from the book, The School of Life by Alain de Botton

The School of Life by Alain de Botton

We spend years in school learning facts and figures but the one thing we’re never taught is how to live a fulfilled life. That’s why we need The School of Life – a real organisation founded ten years ago by writer and philosopher Alain de Botton. The School of Life has one simple aim: to equip people with the tools to survive and thrive in the modern world. And the most important of these tools is emotional intelligence.

• something is conspicuously absent from the modern education system: emotional intelligence. That’s because we often rely on life’s challenging moments and painful experiences to teach us emotional competence. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
• our reactions to the present are heavily influenced by the past –⁠ especially by our childhoods. Our childhoods have an indelible influence on our current emotions. Even if we’re raised in a caring environment, our intense vulnerabilities as children subject us to psychological injuries that stay with us in adulthood.  Similarly, we’re deeply influenced by our parents’ attitudes growing up. A dismissive parenting style may lead to emotional avoidance. A constantly busy parent may inspire attention-seeking behavior.
• Because the origins of our present emotions are unclear and invisible, we don’t always receive the sympathy we might deserve from others. It can feel humiliating to acknowledge how childhood experiences have powerfully influenced our adult behaviors. But to understand our own shortcomings, that’s exactly what we must do.
  • To start, ask yourself these questions: Did I have a caregiver who consistently sacrificed their needs for mine? Did my parents generally refrain from judging me in a negative light? Did they demand that I always be a good boy or girl –⁠ or was I free, sometimes, to be bad?
  • Next, it’s time to assess how badly you were actually wounded by your past. One way to do that is by examining where you stand in four key markers of emotional health. 
    • self-love. This dictates how we feel about ourselves
    • candor –⁠ the ability to accept that we’re flawed without needing to defend our normalcy.
    • Communication allows us to put our feelings into words rather than internalizing the pain, lashing out, or giving others the silent treatment.
    • trust
  • By evaluating these key markers, you get a sense of your wounds –⁠ and as a result, what sort of bandages you may need for them.
• Psychotherapy allows us to reveal our strange impulses, desires, and fantasies without any fear of judgment. Though we’re often advised to seek out the ear of a friend, social norms dictate that we shouldn’t bother them with too much of our own madness. But in therapy, that’s actually encouraged!
  • therapy does provide, among other things, is a degree of freedom. It shows us that what we once thought was a personality flaw was really just a box we forced ourselves into long ago before we understood the world.
  • Therapy primarily helps us learn about ourselves in relation to the past.
• when it comes to the present, there’s another worthwhile tool we can use: philosophical meditation.
  • Instead of asking us to push aside our thoughts, it instructs us to untangle and understand them.
  • must meditate on three big questions. First: What might we be anxious or worried about right now? Second: What might we be upset –⁠ that is, sad, regretful, or envious –⁠ about right now? And third: What are we ambitious and excited about right now?
  • a philosophical meditation is our chance to give those thoughts the space and recognition they deserve. 
• Modern meritocracies claim that we alone are responsible for our successes or failures –⁠ luck and circumstance supposedly play no role. Unfortunately, this narrow-minded sentiment has caused a lot of undue stress and anxiety. It’s time to adopt a more charitable and generous view.
  • We can change our behavior using the weakness of strength. This theory interprets people’s flaws as the inevitable downsides of their great strengths.
  • Understanding the weakness of strength theory allows us to tolerate other people’s irritating characteristics, paving the way for kindness.
  • So, when being attacked by someone else, we have more reason to react with sympathy rather than anger or humiliation.
• Politeness is a logical response to other people’s deep vulnerabilities. It centers the virtue of kindness and contributes to our charm, a quality that endears us to others and helps us make friends. 
  • Acknowledge that there are times when we appear composed on the outside, but we’re seriously struggling on the inside. To be a warmly polite person, assume the same is true for everyone else and make an effort to put them at ease.
  • But being cold isn’t the only barrier to exuding charm –⁠ so, too, is shyness. Shyness may seem like an innate part of our personalities. But it actually stems from a feeling that we’re somehow different from everyone else.
  • admitting those problems can, in fact, be very endearing. confessing our vulnerabilities actually makes others warm to us. Why? Because it’s deeply reassuring to know that we’re having just as difficult a time being alive as they are.
• Romanticism has corrupted love and caused us to chase an impossible fantasy. But we may be able to fix that problem with the Classical view, a more pragmatic and emotionally mature take on relationships. 
  • The Classical view encourages us to de-emphasize immediate, instinctual attraction.
  • The Romantic view may subconsciously lead us to seek a partner who will abandon, humiliate, or neglect us in the ways our parents did.
• Sex –⁠ or lack thereof –⁠ can cause a variety of problems in relationships. Affairs frequently represent a desire for connection, not sex.
• So, how do we prevent love affairs from happening in the first place? regularly discuss frustrations, disappointments, and desires as they come up. Don’t let them fester. These discussions are bound to be uncomfortable and may even feel accusatory. But they also provide a vital opportunity to level fair criticisms and have our feelings be heard.
• Consumer economies aren’t designed to fulfill us –⁠ and that’s OK. Instead of simply offering another perfume scent, corporations could serve our higher needs, like forming communities, raising children, and finding calm. It’s unclear what these businesses would actually look like –⁠ but it’s the direction we should head in.
• Anxiety, in fact, is our fundamental state of being. We can find solace in art and nature.