The Connected Child

Sharing my learnings from the book, The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross & Wendy Lyons Sunshine

The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross & Wendy Lyons Sunshine

The Connected Child, co-authored by Dr. Karyn Purvis, has helped countless adoptive and foster parents better connect with their children as they seek to love and care for them in a way that honors God.

• Parenting can be challenging at the best of times. When you’re parenting a child with a history of abuse or deprivation, the demands are even greater. These children might have missed out on vital developmental learning; maybe they’re still grappling with the effects of past trauma
• Adoptive parents need to adopt a multipronged strategy – investing time in teaching social skills and providing emotional support, as well as promoting good brain chemistry through nutrition and exercise. By consistently implementing these interventions, parents can help their children thrive. The most important element of all is the connection between parent and child. By methodically building trust, you can create a strong foundation. From there, anything is possible!
• We need to understand the histories of at-risk kids to give them the support they need. 
  • Children who grow up with absent or abusive parents often have difficulty forming attachments. They find it hard to trust; they’ve learned they can’t count on anybody to help them.
  • A lack of physical and verbal interaction also affects their brain development, as well as their ability to process what they see, feel, or hear. 
  • Raising an adopted or foster child means reckoning with their specific past experiences. Even if children appear “normal,” they’re often carrying around the invisible scars of neglect or abuse. Once you understand what they’ve been through, you’ll be better able to provide support to help them heal and grow.
• When past trauma is reactivated, children experience a fear response. The fight-or-flight mode in their brains becomes activated, filling their bodies with the stress hormone cortisol. This often causes them to become confrontational and aggressive. Alternatively, they might take “flight” and just shut down and withdraw. 
  • The best way to help fearful children is to allow them to experience felt safety. This means allowing them to interact with and build trust in their new environment, so they feel safe despite their traumatic past. 
  • In order to help them feel safe, you need to make sure to remain calm yourself. Don’t try to reason with them when they’re strung out and scared. Instead, try and take concrete actions to allay their fears. 
• Fear responses are deeply ingrained and can be activated without warning. But felt safety can help create new associations in the brain. Eventually, children will learn that they can trust their parents to care about their best interests, and they can gradually abandon some of the survival skills they needed to depend on in the past. 
• at-risk children have often missed out on learning good communication skills. That’s why it’s so important for adoptive parents to spend time teaching their children how to communicate – and to model healthy social interactions themselves.
  • If you’re trying to communicate with your child, the first step is to show them how to make eye contact.
  • you can teach them about appropriate ways of speaking to other people. Model a calm tone of voice and friendly body language. Make sure that you listen to your child carefully, and show them that it’s important to take turns talking and listening to other people. 
  • teach them how to use words to communicate their feelings.
  • teaching communication skills is also about teaching your family values.
• Children do need you to set clear boundaries. But overly strict punishments can actually backfire when you’re dealing with children from deprived or abusive backgrounds. 
  • The best way is to be calm but firm, and to set clear expectations. 
  • offer your son a chance for a do-over. If he succeeds, you should immediately acknowledge the effort and offer praise.
• Because adopted or fostered children often have abandonment issues, it’s essential that you always let them know that you’re on their side, even during a conflict. You should never leave them alone to reflect on bad behavior.
• Prepare your kids for stressful situations by planning ahead and providing structure.
  • Clearly communicate what kind of behavior will be expected from her – and what the consequences will be if she misbehaves.
  • Rehearsing expectations will help your child feel secure, even in a stressful situation. 
• The regularity of these routines lets your kids know what to expect and helps you avoid the tensions sparked by abrupt transitions.
• Playing games gives you the chance to interact positively with your kids, and you’ll fill their “trust banks” by showing them you care about spending time with them. Building trust strengthens your relationship and will make all of your interactions easier.
• Play also gives you a chance to practice mirroring – where parents mirror the gestures of their children and vice versa. This happens naturally between parents and newborn babies, and it’s an essential part of bonding. 
• Playing games can also be a way of tackling more serious underlying issues that are hard to talk about.
• Physical games can also be a great way for them to blow off steam, improve coordination, and get dopamine flowing.
• Chronic stress interferes with the brain’s neurotransmitters – “messengers” that transmit communications to different nerve centers in the brain. Neurotransmitters activate our fight-or-flight responses, often triggering rage and mood swings in children. The good news is that you can actively influence your children’s brain chemistry through good nutrition.  Fueling your child’s brain with the right foods is one of the best ways to aid in her healing and support the other behavioral interventions you’ve introduced. 
• You can help your children become more confident by showering them with love and encouragement.
  • Give honest and specific compliments that don’t only reward achievements like a test score, but also show that you admire who they are
  • Touch can be an even more effective way of nurturing your kids and helping to develop their confidence.
• Progress might be slow, but don’t give up hope.