Love Worth Making

Sharing my learnings from the book, Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder

Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder

This acclaimed, paradigm-shifting guide turns traditional sex therapy inside-out to reveal the hidden rules for great sex.

Gentle, compassionate, and filled with compelling stories from Dr. Stephen Snyder’s thirty years as a sex therapist working with over 1,500 individuals and couples, Love Worth Making is essential reading for anyone hoping to keep sexual inspiration alive in a committed relationship.

• if you’re not emotionally connected to your partner, erotic novelty will wear off fast. 
• Three psychological changes happen when we’re aroused.
  • we feel captivated, are absorbed, and lose all sense of time.
  • we regress to a more primitive, selfish state of mind
  • we feel good about ourselves – like our partners can really see us
• there are certain rules of the heart you can learn to help cultivate the ideal conditions for arousal to thrive
  • Rules of the heart need to be understood more than they need to be followed.
  • Here, you’ll find your sexual self: a highly personal, erotic feeling. It’s marked not by lust, but by gratitude and awe.
  • The sexual self is very honest, but its vocabulary is mostly limited to “yes” or “no.” Trying to force the sexual self to turn a “no” into a “yes” will pretty much guarantee bad sex.
  • you are responsible of your own arousal. For your sexual self to be happy, it needed acceptance
• the sexual self never grows up.
  • It’s vulnerable and selfish; it can’t hide its feelings or pretend.
  • Our sexual selves want to be ravished and adored – not serviced out of a sense of obligation.
  • rather than forcing yourself to climax with a fantasy that upset you, try being kind to your sexual self if your arousal diminish.
• women want to feel desired.
  • a woman can simply educate her male partner on her need to feel desired. Then, he can decide if he’s willing to put in the effort – and if not, he can face the consequences.
  • A technique called simmering is an effective way to maintain a good erotic climate in a relationship. Simmering is when you carve out a quick moment to get excited with your partner, even if sex isn’t a practical possibility. It’s not meant to be an intense activity
  • While anyone can simmer their partner, in heterosexual relationships, it’s ideal if the man simmers the woman more often. Grabbing her passionately demonstrates his desire
• Identifying sex knots gives couples the chance to reconnect and try a new approach.
  • sex knot: a situation that arises when our sexual selves don’t respond the way we want them to – and we react in ways that make it worse. 
  • a man’s sexual self is nurtured when he feels confident and welcomed.
  • When women criticize, it’s often because they feel ignored and therefore lonely.
• When each partner stands their ground, they can deal with the uncertainty of change in their relationship.
  • people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) have a hard time concentrating on things that aren’t immediately exciting
  • sometimes it happens that One partner changes in a positive way, and then the other grows distant – either because there’s been too much change, or because there hasn’t been enough.
  • suffering together could sometimes lead to happiness – if each partner stood their ground.
• Erotic feelings return when partners feel deserving of each other’s love.
  • Sometimes couples will experience a small disruption in their erotic lives and just need a quick tune-up. Therapists refer to this as treating an immediate cause. But often there’s a deeply rooted remote cause that will continue to stir up trouble until it’s healed.
  • Remote causes manifest when people unconsciously try to get their partners to join them in a reenactment: a drama from their childhood that they don’t fully understand.
  • The author suggests a mindfulness technique called sensate focus, in which they’d get naked and take turns touching each other. There would be no expectation of giving or taking pleasure – they weren’t required to feel anything they didn’t really feel.
• Good sex in a relationship is all about paying attention, without judgment, to the erotic moment. You do this when you’re a good parent to your sexual self – offering it patience, kindness, and acceptance.