Loving Bravely

Sharing my learnings from the book, Loving Bravely by Dr. Alexandra Solomon

Loving Bravely by Dr. Alexandra Solomon

In Loving Bravely, psychologist, professor and relationship expert Alexandra H. Solomon introduces the idea of relational self-awareness, encouraging you to explore your personal history to gain an understanding of your own relational patterns, as well as your strengths and weaknesses in relationships. By doing so, you’ll learn what relationships actually require, beyond the fairytale notions of romance. And by maintaining a steady but gentle focus on yourself, you’ll build the best possible foundation for making a loving connection.

• To truly love another, you must first understand yourself. The process of discovering how and why we love others is called relational self-awareness. And it’s fundamental to any successful partnership.
• Cultivating relational self-awareness often means looking backward. We learn a lot about love as children. Specifically, we learn from watching our parents and experiencing our own family dynamics. These early experiences shape how we approach intimacy as adults.
• these patterns aren’t permanent. You can consciously adjust them with introspection and effort. One technique the author recommends is the name-connect-choose method. To practice this, first identify which relationship patterns you’ve learned from your parents. Next, consider how these early lessons may inform your current behaviors. Then, with this insight, actively work to overcome the habits you find harmful. 
• When you reflect deeply on yourself and your history, you can start to better understand your core issues. Core issues are the personal vulnerabilities or soft spots that guide our intimate relationships.
• Whether consciously or not, we all understand our lives through the lens of stories. And, just like any fairy tale, these stories have characters, settings, themes, and plots. The stories we tell ourselves, and the roles we cast ourselves in, have a powerful impact on how we interact with the people we love. But these stories aren’t always true, and often we repeat the same tales without realizing it.
• Stories that are less black-and-white and more nuanced are called dialectic stories. Telling dialectic stories is useful because they more accurately represent reality and leave room for the characters to control and adjust their behavior.
• You’re constantly growing and changing – as are the people and circumstances around you. So it’s important to keep updating your internal stories with new, more accurate information. When this happens, and you acknowledge the shifts, you can adapt accordingly. And when you’re open to new stories, you can guide your life toward a happier ending.
• how we approach love is mostly determined by the cultural norms around us. To find an authentic approach to love, it’s important to critically examine these outside forces. 
• When pursuing a relationship, don’t take cultural norms as sacred. Carefully consider whether you actually agree with them – you may find some are useful and others are not.
• no relationship is free of hurdles. To form a lasting relationship, you’ll need to put in the work – even with your soulmate.
• When we seek a romantic partner, there’s sometimes an expectation that this person will be our ideal match in every way. But this lofty ideal can be dangerous.
• The way you feel around someone matters. Listen to your gut instincts. If you have a deep sensation of unease, maybe reconsider the partnership. On the other hand, if your gut says “yes,” you might be onto something.
• In healthy relationships, both partners have friends, interests, and passions beyond the pairing. You should encourage them to be true to themselves, and they should do the same for you. 
• sex, and in fact all forms of physical affection, are deeply entwined with our emotions. Touch – whether it’s a hug, a kiss, or something more intimate – is a powerful way to communicate and connect with another person.
• Having good sex with a partner requires that you first understand your own sexuality. You have to feel comfortable in your own skin, know your own turn-ons and boundaries, and have a firm grasp on what types of touch bring you pleasure. Learning all this is an ongoing process, but it starts with spending time with yourself and exploring what feels good on your own terms.
• Once you start to know your own needs, you’ll be better prepared to fully engage with a partner and to give and receive pleasure. This could be within a long-term relationship or with a more casual pairing – how you approach it is up to you.
• Everyone is entitled to the intimacy and pleasure that sex can bring. There’s nothing greedy, selfish, or shameful about desiring powerful erotic experiences. When you find the right partner – that is, someone you feel comfortable, vulnerable, and passionate with – your relationship will benefit from the strong physical connection that sex can bring. 
• When we’re faced with an unpleasant situation, our brains and bodies push us to react quickly.
  • A better solution involves creating space to process your emotions before taking action. A brief pause, like a deep breath or short walk, can help you see the situation more clearly – or at least let you approach the issue with less hostility and more empathy.
  • When you take a reflective pause, you’re able to transform a linear conflict story into a systemic conflict story. A linear conflict story is your simple read on a situation. A systemic story includes more nuanced information that may not be so apparent.
  • Telling a systemic story opens space to talk through any conflict. And when you do get to talking, you need to choose your words carefully. Avoid intimacy-preventing traps. This softer language prevents black-and-white thinking by leaving space for everyone to express themselves with less judgment. 
• Mistakes are inevitable – it’s unfortunate, but true. No matter how hard you try, sooner or later you’ll slip up, stumble, or act out. even though each of these errors is definitely disappointing, a heartfelt apology can go a long way toward fixing them. 
  • A good apology is sincere, specific, and creates accountability.
  • A more honest apology would be direct and acknowledge the pain you caused
  • for bigger transgressions, more work is necessary. You may have to make an amends action. This is a purposeful action meant to demonstrate the depth of your regret – and to fix the pain you’ve caused.
  • the way you receive an apology is just as crucial as how you give it. Heartfelt apologies should be met with heartfelt forgiveness.
  • Practicing forgiveness also helps the one forgiving – carrying a grudge can prevent you from being able to experience the positive aspects of a relationship.
• Being fully present for a relationship means more than just sharing physical space with your partner. Presence involves being completely invested with both your mind and your heart. This means you’re engaged, listening, and attentive when your loved one is around; it also means you’re emotionally available and empathetic when they’re expressing inner thoughts and feelings. 
• being present is a two-way street. To be fully present, you also need to be open to receiving love, kindness, and support from your partner.
• it’s crucial to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion is the act of acknowledging your own values and virtues as a person. It involves being kind to yourself when you fail, recognizing the struggles you share with others, and practicing mindfulness when you feel discouraged or overwhelmed. In a nutshell, when you’re self-compassionate, you’re treating yourself as you would treat a dear friend or loved one. 
• Practicing self-compassion goes hand in hand with recognizing the limits of your control. In these moments it’s essential to accept that these things happen, and that life is a series of ebbs and flows, of ups and downs. Sometimes, you have to step back and appreciate life – and love – for what they truly are: ongoing processes.