Emotional First Aid

Sharing my learnings from the book, Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch

Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch

Drawing on the latest scientific research and illustrated by fascinating stories about real patients and amazing psychological experiments, Emotional First Aid is a psychological medicine cabinet for anyone looking to overcome the hurts and hang-ups that hold them back and a tool kit for becoming more successful, productive, and emotionally resilient.

• Being human means we’re susceptible to cuts, sprains, bruises, and other mild injuries. As a result, most homes are equipped with some kind of first aid kit. But what about common emotional injuries like rejection, failure, or low self-esteem? Left untreated, they can lead to bigger psychological problems, but we’ve never been taught which emotional bandaids or painkillers to use.
• even though it’s so common, rejection still hurts. Hearing “No” or feeling left out triggers emotional pain and anger, and affects our self-esteem and sense of belonging. One of the effects of rejection is that it dents your self-esteem. In an attempt to understand why you were rejected, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism and believe that you’re somehow lacking. To avoid this, it’s important to remind yourself of your own positive traits and boost your sense of self-worth.
  • Start by throwing counterarguments at any negative thoughts that pop up. Make sure that your counterpoint is not only kinder, but also relevant to the situation
  • Once you’ve wrestled with your negative thoughts, give your self-worth a boost by remembering your valuable traits. Think of five positive traits that are relevant to the rejection
  • soothe the hurt of rejection by reaching out to the people around you. If it’s not possible to be around friends and family, taking in reminders like photos, messages, or mementos will also do the trick.
• loneliness doesn’t stem from a lack of connections, but from feeling socially or emotionally isolated.
  • first step in treating loneliness is challenging the negative feelings it fosters. You can do this by imagining positive outcomes and giving people the benefit of the doubt.
  • Helplessness is another negative feeling that emerges from loneliness. And to overcome it, you have to take action. Reach out to people with whom you’ve had positive interactions in the past, or use online platforms to sign up for interesting activities. This will make you feel empowered to change your situation.
  • turn the spotlight on your behavior. Loneliness makes people unknowingly act in ways that push others away. identify what’s holding you back, think about past social experiences and list three things you did that prevented you from interacting. Keep this list in mind as a reminder of what not to do.
  • empathizing with people and seeing things from their perspective. Doing this improves communication, problem-solving, and compassion
• One way loss and trauma affect us is by threatening the ways in which we identify ourselves.
  • To recover our sense of identity, it’s vital to reclaim the parts of ourselves that we’ve lost. A good way to start is by listing the qualities and activities we value but haven’t been able to engage with since the painful event.
• In addition to challenging our identities, loss and trauma can also shake our core beliefs. To handle such blows to our beliefs, we need to find meaning in the loss and trauma. This is a two-step process. 
  • we must make sense of things by asking why something happened instead of how. This encourages us to explore existential, spiritual, or philosophical answers that can help us make peace with the events.
  • identifying something positive in the experience. Think of people who appreciate their families more after a tragedy, or create art to process their feelings. Silver linings like these can be comforting after loss or trauma.
• At some point in life, we’ve all been weighed down by a guilty conscience. guilt does have a purpose. It motivates us to do the right thing and helps protect the important relationships in our lives. Guilt is only a problem when it causes distress and prevents us from living fully, or having happy and healthy relationships.
  • fix the relationship by apologizing.
  • An effective apology requires three additional things. We have to validate the other person’s feelings. we have to make things right by offering some kind of compensation. we need to express that our actions were unacceptable and promise to not repeat them.
  • Through a good apology, we can gain forgiveness and release feelings of guilt. But what if the other person rejects our apology? forgiveness is still possible. The only difference is that we have to do the forgiving. Self-forgiveness alleviates guilt and helps people enjoy life without avoiding those they’ve wronged. 
• Many people continuously reflect on upsetting experiences. And each time they do, they feel worse. It’s like picking at a scab – it only delays healing. In addition to prolonging the healing process, ruminating also leads to anger, drains mental energy, and is taxing for those friends and family members who have to listen to it.
  • Putting an end to rumination can be tricky, but it is possible. And it starts with changing how you look at the experience.
  • A better approach is to distance yourself from the events and look at them from a third-person perspective.
  • reframe the event in a less-upsetting way. Look for any positive intentions, opportunities, or lessons hidden in the experience.
  • You can pull your mind away from ruminative thoughts by focusing on moderate or intense activities like a conversation or playing games.
• The F-word – failure – is something everyone experiences. It can give your confidence a knock and stop you from trying again in future. And if you do try again, past failures can often cause sabotaging fear and anxiety. 
  • Support definitely cushions the blow of failure, but on its own it doesn’t help you bounce back. This is because hearing words of sympathy can actually reinforce feelings of inadequacy. Emotional support is only helpful if it’s accompanied by practical advice on what you can learn from the experience.
  • To gain a more hopeful perspective, it’s important to take control of your situation. Do this by reflecting on your preparation and performance, and identifying things you can do differently the next time. Break these down into actionable goals, and create a timeline for achieving them.
  • To stop fear and anxiety from getting in your way, discuss the feelings with loved ones or a therapist, or journal about them. And if you find yourself distracted by fears while attempting something, use breathing exercises to refocus your attention
• Low self-esteem is much like weak immunity. It makes you more vulnerable to life’s knocks and upsets.
  • You know that voice in your head that constantly points out your faults and mistakes? That’s your inner critic. Getting rid of that negative voice is essential to building self-esteem. 
  • Silence the inner critic with self-compassion. This means being kind to yourself instead of focusing on mistakes or perceived flaws.
  • get into the habit of affirming your positive qualities. This immediately improves self-esteem and helps you deal with instances of failure or rejection.
  • improving your sense of empowerment in one area fuels you to take action in others.